Do you remember that scene from “My So-Called Life”? The one where Angela wakes up one morning and is miraculously over Jordan Catalano so she dances around her bedroom to the Violent Femmes?
This isn’t like that.
I want it to be, but it’s not.
For those of you who don’t connect most major life events back to angsty 90’s teen television shows like I do, I am sorry about the obscurity of my reference (also, you should probably check this out). I’ve just always enjoyed those moments when you feel free again after something seemed to be holding you down. I think that scene captures the sensation perfectly.
And for those of you who do understand… don’t worry. Focusing on getting over Jared Leto is not the reason I have been avoiding writing for the past two months (although, one could understand how that would be a difficult task).
Sometimes having a weight lifted off of you is sudden: you wake up and, out of nowhere, you feel like you again (cue dancing in pajamas). But sometimes it is more of a process; a series of moments that remind you what life feels like and who you are. Gradually, you begin to feel lighter again. I guess I would say I’ve been processing this past month. Prior to that, I just… was… for a while. It isn’t fun to write when you feel like you have nothing to say.
For most of August and September I was so stressed out and busy that I felt like I was walking through some sort of haze. Life became this perfect storm of personal, professional, and social obligations that seemed to rush at me at once. I put my head down and powered through but, in doing so, I seemed to miss out on actually feeling any feelings. I just got by.
Please don’t get me wrong- I had some wonderful times throughout August and September and I didn’t feel unhappy throughout any of them. On the contrary- brunches with friends and family, hilarious road trips, celebrating the marriages of multiple couples I love, and a phenomenal family vacation had me smiling until my face hurt on many occasions. But I am a person who usually feels happiness to my core- and the happy just seemed dulled a bit more than I am accustomed to. Not as vivid.
It’s a difficult emotion to encapsulate and I think I am doing a terrible job trying.
I am not sure if it was the week I spent on a beach with the people I love the most, the fact that I didn’t check my email a single time during that entire week, or that I just needed to remember how to let go and relax a bit that did it. But, I began October with a fresh outlook and a new attitude. I finally felt like myself again… and recognized that the introvert in me needed to take some time to myself and process the past few months. So, I did.
And now, I’ll just say this: I weathered the storm and got my vivid happy back.
So, I guess I will try to update my blog a bit when I am not too busy dancing around my bedroom.
PS- My first post was last November. The new year called for a new look. Thank you to Mr. Vonnegut for the new title and my brother for the new header.